2-Jul-09 So while it's not the happiest of birthdays in my life (far from it), my anger and frustration are mitigated by the outpouring of sincere best wishes and compliments from true friends and prospective real life friends online. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward to in the coming months including two exciting trips to see my beloved friends and family in Europe and New York. My daughter arrived home safely last night and is glad to be back and is offering a lot of support to me at this time and my Mom has, for the second year in a row, delayed her trip to Italy so that she is in town for my birthday, which is nice. I am glad that she is making a nice dish for my pot-luck BBQ tomorrow, which I had half a mind to cancel. I'm still not sure what I'll do for the rest of the weekend but want to save my energy and resources for Europe. I'm kind of glad I"m not traveling anywhere, not that I really have the means to do that unless I tag along with someone at the moment. Dropping off my Mom on the airport in the middle of Saturday also will put a stop to any pool party or other plans I had considered.

Despite trying to scratch it off, the little red dot on my arm is still there. It's probably an abberration of a capillary or something.

Every time my daughter goes to New York it seems she gets something else pierced under her mother's nose! This time she came up to me and asked me for some disinfectant with her hand behind her back. I asked what the heck she needed it for because I got tired of her asking and telling her where it was, and then she confessed that she had BOTH of her nipples pierced in NY (and didn't even tell her other half). So now she's got the tongue, the bellybutton and these. Oy vey.

1-Jul-09 So today is my last day of being forty. I hope I'm wiser next year, even though I had some good times and great experiences in learning and travel this past year. I have two more trips coming up which were planned out far in advance. I intend to make the most of them, but then buckle down and try to save and earn some serious money, perhaps delving into some personal projects that may earn me some more since I have some ideas that I have been meaning to impliment. It sort of reminds me of Judy Tenuta's quote: "If you think I'm a procrastinator, JUST YOU WAIT!"

My daughter is likewise studying to get her driver's license, which will be a very helpful and productive step for her to take.

I noticed a little red dot on my arm and just checked WebMD. I do not appear to be likely to have anything wrong with me, but I'll show it to my doctor. It is It is supposedly good to have was able to defer my jury duty, which was set for when I'm going to be in Europe next month. I conveniently did so online.

30-Jun-09 I was able to defer my jury duty, which was set for when I'm going to be in Europe next month. I conveniently did so online.

Today I am also struggling to get Alex's passport renewed in time for our trip, so I'm running errands to expedite the application today. I screwed up and used a check from my current Visa which they send you to transfer balances every few months, but the problem was that my renewed Visa card had a different account number so they declined it. Now I have to scramble and there is no other way to remedy it but to send an express mail and pay through the nose for it.

Yesterday was my adorable nephew's second birthday. I can't believe how time has flown.

My daughter returns from her NYC visit tomorrow and she texted that she's ready to come home. I don't think the weather was too favorable between the rain and humidity, but I'm glad she got to see her mother and brothers. I timed her return to be right before my birthday, which is in a few days, but it will be bittersweet as it was made known to me two nights ago that I'm going to be single again with great finality.

I'm not sure why I even bother trying to match up beyond casual friendships with guys, really. I suppose there is nothing to lose if I don't try, but I learned earlier this year that being single and traveling is not only full of many wonderful opportunities and potentially done with much less stress, as I hope my European trip in a few weeks is, but I was far more capable of running my household by myself or with someone I'm not romantically tied with, especially where I am now in my life, given that I have family in close proximity and my job has been stable.

I don't know what this change in relationship status means for my intentions to take the bar exams in February, which I had planned in part because of the extra support I was hoping to have at home, but I will let this sit for a few months before the application deadlines loom and then decide based on what I see the near future brings me. I know that this will make a difference in my quality of life, if for no other reason than the lack of a reliable car in the household. My mother's boyfriend actually may donate his three year old SUV to me if I'm lucky, and I'll gladly take it.

I know I intimidate guys (always have) and my situation with being a custodial parent (at least for the next year) in a sometimes loud, Italian-culture household is an unconventional one to most gay men. I am flattered that guys have found me interesting enough for several months at a time since my long term relationship ended after more than three years. Given my track record and my willingness to go to family counseling with my daughter to deal with her teenage angst, I don't think I'm the one with commitment issues, but gay men are certainly fickle and perhaps I should be more discriminate myself. I'm still a bit numb over this change, but I have tons of friends and family who are big supports for me. This one was tougher to accept than others, but I still maintain that there's nothing to be gained by trying to patch things up with guys who are determined to pursue relationships with others who treat them poorly. I don't have that need, fortunately,and I'm confident that I gave this one my best efforts, regardless of the household circumstances.

28-Jun-09 The Pink Party was worth going to, but it was a lot bigger and warmer than years past. We managed to park for free at the Davies Medical Center no questions asked. It was frustrating finding a spot and San Francisco doesn't make it easier during such hard times at all. Yes, we could have taken public transportation, but it's a lot more expensive when you have 3-4 people in the same car. We ended up having dinner at "Home" restaurant, which we managed to get into with very little weight and which was just on the periphery of the Castro neighborhood. I had no regrets after ordering the CORN FLAKE fried chicken. It was light and wonderful. Beck seemed to be pretty overwhelmed by the attendees and the size of the crowd, but she took it all in stride. I was very impressed with the service at the restaurant, especially given the hectic night. There was a lot of 80's music playing, including Prince, Eurythmics, and of course Janet and Michael Jackson. At the party, for the brief time that we were there, Nate and I met some of the people we knew and knew from online, which was cool.

My biggest complaint about how the Pink party was run was that the people letting us in with the pink stickers for a "voluntary" donation were very arbitrary about who they let in and out and changed their mind about whether we could bring in "bottles" and what constituted a bottle. Beck had a plastic bottle with water in it and they almost made her throw it out! They also said they would be checking my camera bag in which I had all of my gadgets, but they didn't. Then when we exited the cordoned off area and then walked around a few blocks to try a restaurant we wanted and then tried to get back in, they said people without stickers had to go a much more lengthy route around the cordoned off area, even though we said we were together, one of our group lied and said they lived there, and even though they told us when I paid for Beck and Nate and me that we didn't even need to adorn our stickers. Imagine if we hadn't? Finally we just took advantage of a fire truck coming through and the rest of our group of six made their way through the dividers and we just made a fast paced walk for it.

Before my niece left Saturday, remembering that I had picked a beautiful pink rose and de-thorned it for her last time she was here, she took the nicest batch of flowers on my barely surviving geranium on the front porch. I'm glad she liked them, but I kidded my sister about how much it hurt that she took the prime samplings. Ah well, my little princess deserves it. She also took one of the golden poppies (which I realize are weeds) from the backyard. Isn't it illegal to pick those? Who knows. I did do some weeding and pruning myself today and my Mom even complimented me on the tree she got me last year, although I'm still waiting for it to explode with blue blossoms again.

Mom also complimented me on losing some weight, although I'm not certain that I did. I did go back on Byetta and recently upgraded from the five micrograms to ten, so who knows if that really has made my appetite go down. I know that if anything, my blood sugar may be low at times, and that may explain some of my symptoms, but I'm still far better off when my blood sugar was spiking a lot. Blood sugar isn't low or high from the Byetta, but rather the fact that I'm still taking Glyb/metformin. I guess my doctor will assess all that when I get my bloodwork done in September.

It was ridiculously hot in the East Bay Saturday. I had a few fans on me and I tried to stay outside and in the shade, even spending some time on my front porch where I finally got a flag pole and mounted the gay rainbow flag, hoping no vandalism will be upon us. I figure I'll at least leave it up for Pride weekend and my birthday party next week. I also have a California state flag and the American flag for Independence Day (which is what I prefer to call it instead of simply July 4th, since they have a July 4th in every country if you think about it).

MICHAEL JACKSON: I have to admit that I really cried hard over his passing. My favorite song of his has always been "Have You Seen My Childhood" which I saw once again him describe as the most telling and autobiographical song he ever wrote. My next favorite is Ben, but I do like almost all of the popular songs that we know and love from the Thriller and Bad albums. I just have to put them back into my music library now.

I have a video of Alex dancing after her bath back in 1995 to "Beat It", the song she loved so much. She first dances around to it (she was only 3) with Michael Jackson singing it, and then to the Chipmunks version, which I thought was cute. I am certain that because there are tiny glimpses of her bum and front naked that it would not be allowed on Youtube, and that some pervs out there would probably get their jollies from it, but it really is a cool video. Perhaps I can edit it enough so that it won't have any moments of even partial nudity at some point. I'm just glad I have it.

I didn't expect it, but the few tears I had listening to his songs in the car were nothing compared to when it really hit hard upon calling Alex who is in NYC visiting. I sort of wanted to talk to her mother since it was around the time that Michelle and I met that his music was so popular. I thought Michelle would understand better than Nathan (who is ten years my junior), who was perplexed at my profound sadness since I am more of a diva fan and haven't really gone out of my way to play Michael's music in the past. I know Alex's mother was very distraught at Luther Vandross' death, and that she would understand what I was going through, and poor Nate is still in a lot of pain over his sinus infection. I love Luther's work too, but Michael's life was just so omnipresent and well-documented for all of us to watch and it was one train wreck after another (no pun intended about the poor people who died in that train wreck in Washington DC recently).

While I don't think he was appropriate in the way he handled the children in his life, I do think the accusations were exagerrated and I still maintain that he is rather asexual, and he was entitled to be. The whole story is just so sad and he made such an indellible imprint on so much of my life and so many others in the world that I can't believe that the foreshadowing of a short life for him would come true. He was exactly the same age as my father when he died (just shy of 51). I'm sure there's going to be an unbelievable amount of media coverage about it and I already saw shirts on the street paying homage to him. However, if I hear one more person on TV pronouncing the "h" in homage, I will slit my wrists! I can't believe how "ign'ant" some people are (that's a joke from the South Park episode making extreme fun of Michael Jackson). I think MJ was a genius and he understood why people made fun of him, even if he was hurt by some of the critics. During his last trial I wrote a few blogs about both sides of the story in case you're interested in reading about them. I was decidedly indecisive and truly saw both sides of the story, although it still makes me uncomfortable, but not uncomfortable enough not to feel sorry for the guy and the short and troubled life he had, even if he had immeasurable wealth at his disposable during most of it.

I was also surprised and pleased to see that he was no longer the expatriate that he was in Dubai. I felt that his relocating there a few years ago was a terrible indication that he was trying to get away with something, but the fact that he moved back to CA and close to his family is a sign that he just wanted a respite, which he got. I think pushing himself and with the abuse of drugs, he did what so many others in his position did - Elvis, Judy Garland (same time of year), Jimmy Hendrix, Anna Nicole Smith, etc., and Judy and Elvis were very close in age to Michael when they passed. I also think Michael was very weak and it was obvious when you saw how scrawny he was. I doubt that the adult dosage of any drug would have been appropriate for him, so I'm curious to see what they find out when they get the substance reports back in a few weeks. I would think that his doctors would have taken into account his very small body weight. I think he was no more than 110 dripping wet.

Farrah Fawcett was an actress I really respected for taking on the roles of an abused woman at least twice, and who fought back. I was actually afraid of her when I saw "Extremities" so her accolades for that and the "Burning Bed" were well-deserved. I never knew the Charlies Angels show except in reruns when I was probably desperate to watch something because that originally aired when I was very young and not even living in the country. I do remember people having her poster, though. I also know she has a fucked up family including her step-kids, even if they are hopefully dealing with them now. I'm also pleased to hear that Ryan O'Neal, who I love for having been in two movies with Barbra Streisand, stayed with her until the end and didn't abandon her in her time of need. Her death was certainly more expected than Michael's, and while Michael was twelve years younger, they both died much younger than they should have.

Ed McMahon was a cool guy, although I didn't think he was spectacularly talented and it was embarrassing that he had to beg for financial help after all of the work and income that he had over the decades. I have to give him a lot of credit for hosting the Star Search show, though. I really loved the vocal challenges that happened on that show and I really believe that was a precursor to American Idol, which I enjoyed all years of except this last one since I seriously saw zero talent. American Idol took the best aspects of Star Search and shows them well, but I can only hope they will allow people through who will knock my socks off again in the future. I cherish some of the Star Search performances that I saved and tried to Upload to Youtube in years past, but I won't take any chances on having my account closed again without warning. I can find sites to upload videos to that aren't so fascist about such things. Who would actually buy old Star Search videos anyway?

IRANIAN BOTCHED ELECTION: I'm still very concerned and upset about the Iranian election and I'm proud that I immediately twittered about it when I heard the results, since I could almost foresee this teetering on civil war that is happening there, and some people don't realize the sheer size of the country because they are so used to small numbers of people in Afghanistan, but even Iraq is much smaller than Iran, and a confrontation with Iran would be costly beyond enumeration.

Indeed, it is very scary that a country that calls itself a modern democracy, which actually has a radical religious figurehead as the person with real power behind the president, could force a vote result, even after admitting that there were numerous irregularities. So much for a seamless transfer of power in that nation. I'm so pleased that the communications are much higher tech nowadays that this travesty of justice will not go undocumented. I'm not sure exactly how they are getting around the supposed enforcement of censors, but it was encouraging also to hear that people are shouting from their rooftops at night just about god, which is a symbol of revolution against the powers that be. The sad thing is that these people are subsequently being targeted and relocated in the dark of night so as to quash the impending rebellion, and that is another sign that we are dealing with tyrants and that free speech is absolutely unheard of. They even suggested that it was an American bullet that killed the woman that they are trying to make a symbol of this revolution, a woman whose bloody dying body was caught on video and who the government there has already taken to relocating her family so as not to allow her to become the all important martyr in the Muslim culture.

27-Jun-09 Last night had dinner with law school best friend Mike and his partner visiting from Las Vegas plus George and Nate at Don Jose's in Castro Valley. Mike and Brian are in town for pride. Today they did things in the city while we waited for Nate's friend Beck to arrive. Nate and I went to the hardware store in town where they are always so woofy and helpful. Then Nate and I had a great lunch at the famous Val's Burger's right over the border of Hayward. I was pleasantly surprised at his suggestion that we take advantage of the opportunity that we had to be alone (a rare thing these days) to go out for a meal, as we've been trying to eat at home more often, but I think he enjoyed the experience. Mom, Sabina and my niece Brooke came by for a little while and chewed the fat with us. We talked about the foliage, travel, cars, family drama, etc. Tonight we're going to the Pink Party.

20-Jun-09 We're looking forward to Pride, although we haven't done that many events this year (no San Jose or Santa Cruz) and we're going to have Nate's friend Beck with us for a visit.

19-Jun-09 This past week we celebrated Father's Day early by watching Up! at the Castro Theatre. We had dinner at Harvey's after work. Poor Nate wasn't feeling well, but we all enjoyed the movie and the live organist in this grand old theater. Alex was very impressed. She brought her friend Kaylea with us.

Poor Nate has a sinus infection and is taking antibiotics. I'm proud that he went to the doctor without my having to nag him.

6-Jun-09 Last night Alex met Nate and me in the city and we drove out to Brentwood, where we visited with my god-mother, who has lived there over thirty years, and then we went to his cousin's daughter's high school graduation party, which was in the very same town, and ironically the family that lives there used to live in Hayward, where my Mom has had her home since 1970. It was good to meet his family and catch up with my god-mother, but I can't believe I neglected to take any pictures of Carla and us together. It is cool, though, that my god-brother teaches and coaches at the same school that Nate's cousin went to.

5-Jun-09 This weekend George turns 40 so we have some fun things planned. I was also hoping to see my dear friend Donita and her daughter Sunday, but she's packing away for her move soon.

Alex recovered from her prom last weekend and is excited about the end of the school year in a few days and her trip to NYC with her good friend Cody.

I'm looking forward to the various pride events this month and will have a birthday party July 4 weekend, as usual.

I'm also trying to plan some trips to various places like the Grand Canyon and Yosemite in the latter part of the year, not to mention Florida, where my sister and her family might be going in November when my Mom is over there visiting her fiance. There are many parts of southern FL that I've never been to and I'd like to explore. My NYC trip has been rescheduled for late September and my trip to Europe has been finalized, together with the after-trip to Guerneville for Lazybear, which I'm also excited about, especially since that's the only leg of the trip that Nate can join me on this year.

While Nate conceded that Mom's cake for Alex's birthday was better than his (and I agree that it was, but I had no issues with eating Nate's cake, which he made from scratch - including the frosting), he has been using lemons from my mom's garden to make lemon meringue pies in MINUTES and the other day he made an ORANGE meringue pie WITH SPLENDA which was absolutely scrumptious and guilt-free, even making the pie crust from scratch.  

George has been a wonderful sous chef and so I let them have at it in the kitchen and Alex and I have been eating like kings, as a result, with lots of great and creative home-cooked meals.

3-Jun-09 Nate, Alex and I had a great dinner and ice cream with his friend Susan from Marin County.