Online since June 1997!

Man in the Mirror

2-23-02 -- I remembered something recently about my childhood.  My father used to catch me observing myself in the mirror and if he deemed it was too long, he would scream at me that guys should not be so vain.  While there was evidence of his homophobia in many reflections I have on my childhood, I think this affected me more profoundly than I realized until recently.  I have never been very observant of changes in my body, which as a diabetic, is not a good thing.  My weight gain in adulthood was something that seemed to sneak up on me.  I wonder if I had stared in the mirror more if I would have noticed that this "growing boy" was growing in some undesirable directions.  To this day when I stare in the mirror I catch myself getting embarrassed and stopping no matter what I look like as it seems WRONG.  I am sure this had a lot to do with my self-esteem and coming out later in life than I would have otherwise.  I also have until recently not been able to stand photographs of myself.

I hope as a parent I am far more flattering of my daughter and while I would not want to give my daughter a complex about her weight or physical appearance, as beautiful as she is, making her aware of her hygiene and appearance is not harmful.  She can stare in the mirror as much as she likes.

As I write these blogs I also remember my ex-wife telling me things beyond the physical criticisms she had of me toward the end of our relationship before she left me.  Like my parents who discouraged my creativity, I had some pride in my writing (not necessarily creative) when I in my late teens.  I had met her when I was 15 and I remember speculating how if I wrote down a bunch of anecdotes and stories of my life how I might be able to publish a book of them someday.  To my shock she said immediately, "Who would EVER want to read about YOUR life?"  Well little did she or I know just how much drama I would be trying to minimize in my life.  Despite her discouragement I might still do that book.  Until then, these blogs will suffice.