Online since June 1997!

Orthodox Jewish Wedding

14-Oct-02 -- I worked for a company that hired a woman I will call Sylvia (not her real name) who my colleagues and I were "warned" was Orthodox Jewish.  We were warned that we would have to watch our language around Sylvia and make sure not to offend her.  She did indeed come from a very conservative upbringing, but she ended up becoming one of my very good friends, we found we had several interests in common, including talking about politics, travel and music, like Barbra Streisand.  Sylvia and I would confide things in each other that we confided in no one else at the office.  We worked together for years.  When I came out of the closet to most of my good friends I was excited to tell her that my first lover Mike, is also Jewish.  I think this surprised her more than the fact that I was gay. 

Sylvia became engaged herself to a Jewish guy who I thought was really nice too.  My lover and I attended their reception in Brooklyn and then a few weeks later we went to her wedding on Long Island.  There was a temple on the premises and the women and men had to sit in different areas.  I wasn't there with any women that I knew, so my then-infant daughter Alexandra was not thrilled about the separation.  Not being raised Jewish I had no idea what one would do in this situation.  Alexandra would not go with the strange women but she was not supposed to be in the area with the men.  I took her to the back of the room before making too big of a scene and sort of did the middle-line thing.  Mike was mortified, but I just shrugged my shoulders and held Alex, who would not stop clinging to me.  The formality of it all probably scared her in the dim temple.  After that drama was over, it struck me as interesting that at such an overwhelmingly straight event, the men could only dance with men and women with women, but I understood the idea was to keep the genders separate for various reasons. 

Sylvia's marriage lasted about 18 months.  It had been her husband's second marriage.  About a year later I invited Sylvia to a birthday party I threw for myself.  I had broken up with Mike at that point.  Sylvia came with a co-worker's of hers who I will call Bonnie.  Bonnie happens to be black.  You'll see why I point this out later.  Bonnie made a huge platter of macaroni and cheese, as she was West Indian and that is a common dish from that area.  Everyone dived into the food.  Sylvia had a glow about her I had never seen.  She had lost some weight and was feeling great.  Bonnie was most gregarious and kept on talking about what fun times she and Sylvia had.  Most, if not all of my other friends at the party, were gay and they just ate Bonnie's bubbly personality up. 

After the two ladies left my friends asked who the lesbians were.  I laughed so loud saying, they are NOT lesbians.  I couldn't believe what terrible gaydar they had.  I explained how Sylvia had just divorced (as had I), was very religious and from a very religious family.  She usually (but not always) observed the Sabbath, although she did cheat several times to go out with us to have fun and take overnight trips to Atlantic City.  I presumed she kept kosher too.  I was certain she was raised thusly, although her parents were divorced and from what I hear it was kind of an ugly, awkward split that permanently estranged various family members.  I understand that a Jewish divorce is called a "get".

In any event, my friends kept insisting that those two women were lesbians, spotting them as such from the roof patio outside of my apartment window the moment they left the car and headed toward the building before they even realized they were attendees.  They also said that the way her "girlfriend" was speaking, she was just going on and on about how wonderful a time they always had together in their relationship.  I just laughed outrageously at the misunderstanding that my friends had, but something stuck in my gut for a couple of days. 

At my friends' insistence I called Sylvia and said "Is there something you forgot to tell me?"  She kind of giggled and said meekly, "Well, you know I was always bi[sexual]."  I said, "I knew this?"  Of all of her friends to not come out to, I thought I would have been the easiest!  She proceeded to tell me "Joe, I'm not like you."  What she explained to me was that she did not need to tell people about what she was and all of her personal business, since as you know by this web site, I am pretty open about my sexual preference.

Years later, they are still happily together, co-habitating and planning to buy a home together.  This is the longest and most fulfilling relationship she has ever had, although she still maintains she is bi.  She has not actually come out to her family but said "they aren't stupid" inasmuch as she brings her girlfriend to all family functions like weddings, where they are accepted without discussion.

So what is the big irony?  I went from a BLACK woman to a JEWISH man and she went from a JEWISH man to a BLACK woman, all in the course of a few years!!