The Stan & Ollie Complex  12-Sep-03 -- You probably know what the Napoleon complex is (short men who are insecure and therefore compensate by being tough) and the Oedipus Complex (mamma's boys). I am going to coin a new term - The Stan & Ollie Complex. For those younger among you -- not that they were contemporaries of mine -- Stan & Ollie were one of those Depression-era comedy teams like Abbott & Costello. Indeed, Abbott & Costello this might even be a more suitable stereotype than Stan & Ollie, but I like the way "Stan & Ollie Complex" sounds better.
In these comedy teams, one man is the "straight" guy, the thinner, dapper, more handsome visually pleasing, virile man, and the other is the asexual or ambiguously sexual tubby guy who takes the fall and has the lion's share of the brunt of the jokes. The FAT one is usually intellectually challenged, the target of physical slapstick humor and is the luckiest SOB in the world to have a man like Stan be his friend. Even the name "Ollie" is a diminutive while "Stan" is confidently potent. I don't want to be relegated to being the punch-line in my life just because the men I have been with have generally (but not always) been smaller than me.
 As a bear who has been attracted to a wide variety of men I of course hear stories about how the grass is always greener on the other side. Small men can never find bears to love them and chubby guys only want other chubby guys. Meanwhile, so many men of size or girth that I have been attracted to will say something like "Oh I don't have a type". Translation? I'll take the best mainstream-looking guy who will have me so I'm not afraid to introduce him to mamma, especially if I have a preference for men of size who might make people speculate as to my sexual proclivities." Ergo, why would they settle for someone who looks like me? I might be good enough to SLEEP with, but "we can be friends because I want someone to go out with" or "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" (pick your own cliché as I have heard them all). It is very few people who pass my rigorous standards anyway.
So a lot of guys who are thinner seem to be attracted to me for whatever reason. This has been an interesting phenomenon and has probably become more acceptable in the gay community since I came out about eight years ago. The bear movement has grown. However, taking into account that I'm a relatively short, stocky and somewhat overweight guy (although much trimmer than I have been in years past thank goodness), I sometimes get self-conscious when I am with a man who is smaller than me because of what I call the Stan & Ollie complex. It doesn't bother me what we look like when we are together, but rather when we are captured on film. Even though I may be very attracted to some guys who are not nearly as "thick" as I am, sometimes I think to myself, "what would I look like in a holiday card if we took a family photo?" While the "cub" in the situation may not mind it and the age is not something I am insecure about YET as I'm 35, I do think that my girth can sometimes be overpowering in a photo and I feel like I'm sometimes TWICE the width of the man whose in the photo with me.
I hope that I will like whom I like for less than shallow reasons. I suppose it is personally moot for now anyway because no romantic interest has swept me away in the last few years, but I wonder if I can overcome this complex if he doesn't happen to be close to my size. I'm curious if others feel the same way about this and choose to couple only with bigger men, not because smaller men turn them off, but rather because they might be perceived as insecure, desperate or overly-eager if they are going for a body frame that is noticeably smaller than their own.
This page was last updated 28-Dec-2007. |
