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My Former, Interracial Marriage
I was with my ex-wife for almost 11 years. We were married on July 14, 1989. Our "type" of marriage was illegal in many jurisdictions in the United States until the Supreme Court case dealing with anti-miscegenation laws, Loving v. Virginia in 1967. Now marriage, which is a fundamental constitutional right, is denied to people of the same sex. I met her on March 16, 1984 in high school when I was in 10th grade. She was in 11th. We were best friends and then became romantic. I was obsessed with her, particularly at the beginning, but we fell into a comfortable groove, particularly after we moved in together. Because she is African-American, my parents objected to the relationship at first, thinking it was a rebellious thing. They reasoned that of course it was not right to be racist, but loving a person of color was another thing. Having black friends was tolerable, but our white, trailer-trash roots were too good for some things, even an upper-middle class, intelligent and kind black girl. I ended up running away from home during my senior year of high school (1985-86) just to be able to see her. Fortunately I still graduated without any problems and got a job using my computer skills (particularly in the Silicon Valley area) and typing speed of 125 W.P.M. right out of high school. During my runaway period in high school I was on the missing person's list but still attended. The high school tried to intervene with my family but the reconciliation with my father was futile at that point so I have remained independent ever since then. After I was working and living on my own with my then-girlfriend, my parents eventually loved her as family and things worked out well for all of us. I am glad that my father and I reconciled before his death in 1990. I miss him. On my 20th birthday, Michelle and I set to drive across country with no job, some travelers' checks, no credit cards and less than two years of office experience. I had this nagging dream to return to the City of New York, where I have resided since 1988. We lived on Staten Island for four years, where I attended college. During this time my father died, my grandfather died and then my daughter was born.
After getting accepted to law school in 1993 I moved with my wife and daughter to Brooklyn -- where I now live -- in Carroll Gardens. A few years after moving to Brooklyn -- in my second year of law school my wife started going out and complaining that she needed her space. I wanted to keep the family together, however mediocre the marriage was becoming. I hadn't learned from the mistake my parents made -- i.e., knowing when to say enough misery. She ended up leaving my daughter and me for on October 26, 1994. So in response to my ex-wife getting a boyfriend -- I got a cuter boyfriend for myself! After the lawsuits were filed between October 1994 and December 1994, the Judge, in January 1995, who happened to be lesbian (I saw her marching in the pride parade), gave me legal custody. So since birth, Alexandra has been with me. I like to think of myself as the only permanent person in my daughter's life. Fortunately in progressive New York, my homosexuality was immaterial as to my fitness to parent. The best interest of the child standard prevails in this jurisdiction. Of course, having my mother stay with my lover, my daughter and me helped the situation as well. My mother, as I mentioned, came to help out a few weeks after my ex-wife left and has been with my daughter and me on and off since then, with my mother's boyfriend staying with us – even when my lover moved in. It was a regular sitcom to say the least, since my mother's boyfriend, who does not speak English, did not ever discuss with me the extent to which Mike and I were together, despite our sharing a room, bed, clothes, etc. My mother and my lover got along fine -- in fact, better than my lover and I did! So, in my case, it was after my marriage began and we had been married several years that I started wondering about my sexual identity -- something that had never occurred to me before in that way (i.e., desire in lieu of envy of other men). While my relationship with my ex-lover soured, I am more confident in ever in what I want in a lover -- and that lover must be a man. Most importantly, though, is that I've been here for my daughter the entire time, somehow -- amazingly -- as a man and a gay man. It is for my daughter that everything is worthwhile. Of course being here for my daughter and continuing with law school uninterrupted would not have been possible if not for the help of my amazing mother who dropped her life in California and came to stay with us in Brooklyn. It is to her that I owe an invaluable debt.
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