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How I
Became a Gay Dad ...like becoming a board member and webmaster of Family Pride Coalition (f/k/a GLPCI)
I remember countless times commuting on the train getting depressed over how my daughter would have to deal with being a child of divorce, my wife leaving us, her being bi-racial and especially that her father was a queer! I didn't realize that one could not be a closeted parent if one expected to maintain a nurturing relationship with one's child without teaching that child to lie. The story that holds most interest is that while my divorce was for reasons other than my being gay (believe it or not), after 11 years of being with Alexandra's mother, she abandoned the marital home so I was given preliminary custody. While we get along very well now, the first two years of very expensive litigation were intense, but fortunately our daughter is too young to remember any of that. When I met my first lover, months after my ex-wife left, I was not keen on getting into a relationship, but love is the exception to every rule. I wisely chose not to lie about my "roommate" when I sensed that my ex-wife was considering getting back with me, so I told her. Her reaction was odd since she was the one who had left me, but I guess she felt defeated by all the times she had defended me for not being gay to those busybodies who thought they knew better over the years. In any event, this did not prevent her from using a homophobic argument in her case wherein at least one witnesses was "concerned" about my daughter being raised in an all-male household and concocted some trivial issues as to the caretaking of my daughter. The irony is, however, that I was not ashamed and at my first pride parade in 1995, who do you think I saw walking down the parade route? THE JUDGE! The lesbian judge was holding a sign that said "Gay & Lesbian Judges of New York." I soon thereafter told my lawyers (I was in my second year of law school at the time) and of course did not tell my ex-wife, but obviously for reasons beyond the "best interest of the child" standard which does not take into account one's sexuality alone as being a reason for changing custody, the homophobic arguments were immaterial. Do you see why I believe strongly that honesty is the best policy?
In July, 1996, I attended the Family Pride conference in Minneapolis, Minnesota with my daughter. I was shocked to hear my daughter tell me, "Daddy, you need to get married to a man!" as she saw me getting dressed for an evening gathering with other gay parents and their children. I realized that my daughter could overcome anything. See my memoirs for more grueling details on my life. I am a proud to be a father who belongs to various parenting organizations which do not diminish the role of the father and which respect the right of homosexuals who choose to have a nurturing relationship with children in their own households. Accordingly, I am proud to have held, since July, 1996, a position as a board member of Family Pride Coalition. I strongly encourage gay fathers of any ilk (step-fathers, biological, surrogate, adoptive), to subscribe to the Gay Dads listserv and the other lists that are out there, including the ones that I moderate. See the Family Pride Coalition home page for more information on the mailing lists that address gay parents' concerns. Fighting for gender-equity among parents regardless of sexuality is a group I am associated with called Fathers' Rights and Equality Exchange (FREE).
There was some discussion on terminology. "Orientation" was a word that some of the attendees wanted to see abolished since it implied that sexuality was "learned". However, the point was made that it was an improvement over the word "preference". The seminar was about not just getting "tolerance" in our schools and the greater community, but about getting acceptance. When someone uses the word "faggot", we must realize that we have what is called a "teachable moment" and not just lambaste the speaker for his or her callousness. In November 1997, my daughter started to really understand why I am different. She started to be able to (accurately) point out those of my friends who are gay. She said it is "okay" to be gay when she saw Ellen Degeneres dating and holding hands with a woman on her show. However, I'm concerned that she is already saying that her friends at school think it is "disgusting." Then again, they might also think that about men and women! More on this later... |
Whenever I tell people I
have custody of my biological daughter, they ask "How did you manage
that?" Most assume, understandably, that my biracial daughter is adopted in the
GLBT community. Her mother was, interestingly, the first transracially adopted child
in the state of Oregon, but that's another story.
In
October 1997 I had some further insights as to where the course of my gay parenting
advocacy was going (and indeed, where the advocacy of others should go). Having
attended the GLSEN mid-Atlantic conference recently (October 1997), I had these insights
about educating people on our collective
community. The definition of family simply needs to be broadened to include
all types of families. It is critical that children in "non-traditional"
families have an outlet and representation. We are far from the two parent household
model for the majority of Americans. Like Glen Close said in "Fatal
Attraction" we must "refuse to be ignored!" School literature should
be welcoming of LGBT families. It takes very little extra effort for a teacher to
say "John and Bob" and "Judy and Sally".