All posts by jah

Activism, Gay, Parenting, Politics

Italian Homophobia Perserveres

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I cannot help but speak out about the escalating homophobia in my mother’s home country of Italy (and where some of my father’s ancestors are from). The aspiring fascist prime minister there is trying to earn political points by stripping away lesbian mothers of their rights and legally breaking apart families. As a Board alum of six years, I reached out to FamilyEquality.org with my outrage as an Italo-American still eligible for dual citizenship and how this is clearly violative of the European Union’s higher courts, which I hope step in. Giorgia Meloni is making examples of some lesbian mothers by literally removing their names from birth certificates based on the non-biological ties to their own children. Now they are working on criminalizing surrogacy, just to round out the homophobia.

I constantly remind people that the equivalent of Italy’s founding fathers are both GAY – Leonardo Da Vinci and Michaelangelo, not to mention countless other Renaissance pillars, popes, etc.

This is exactly the kind of underhanded bigotry that we are still fighting against in what should be a modern world. As a gay parent, I am appalled, but very pleased that Family Equality Executive Director Stacey Stevenson replied to my pleas for the organization to make an official statement, which they have now done. This is a perfect response to these troubling developments:

Family Equality Condemns Rising Anti-LGBTQ+ Legislation in Italy Targeting LGBTQ+ Parents and Families

August 11, 2023

Soon after prime minister Giorgia Meloni issued a public order removing the names of nonbiological LGBTQ+ parents from their children’s birth certificates, the Italian parliament approved a bill that criminalized surrogacy abroad.

Washington, D.C. — Family Equality, the leading national organization for current and future LGBTQ+ families in America, condemns recent actions taken by the Italian government to undermine and diminish the rights of LGBTQ+ parents and families, including removing nonbiological LGBTQ+ parents from birth certificates and, more recently, approving a bill that would criminalize surrogacy abroad. 

With surrogacy and other reproductive medical treatments like IVF already prohibited for LGBTQ+ couples in Italy, this legislation not only denies LGBTQ+ people the opportunity to start their family — it threatens to put prospective parents in jail for even trying. The measure, which passed in the chamber of deputies with 166 votes in support, needs approval by the Italian senate before being passed into law. 

“Everyone deserves the opportunity to experience the unconditional joy and belonging of family, no matter who you love or where you live,” said Family Equality CEO, Stacey Stevenson. “What we’re seeing from the top elected officials in Italy is unconscionable. And yet, these actions reflect what we’re seeing outside our own front door, as politicians and pundits alike spout dangerous anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric instead of focusing on passing legislation that keeps us all safe, healthy, and protected. To the LGBTQ+ families in Italy, know that we stand in solidarity with you and will fight with our partners in this international community to preserve your fundamental right to find and form family.” 

Health, Photos, Selfies

One Hundred Pounds Down Today

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As Edina says in Absolutely Fabulous, “Sweetie, dahling! If people could lose weight with diet and exercise, EVERYBODY would be doing it!”

Summary of health milestones at age 55:

  • I’m 100# down from my top weight as of TODAY
  • Normal blood sugar even after dropping some oral meds
  • Have not needed insulin in 13 years
  • No cellulitis/hospitalizations for that in at least 13 years
  • No CPAP needed in 12 years
  • Ideal blood pressure confirmed every morning
  • Ideal cholesterol because of 12 years of vegetarianism, so having a stroke is statistically impossible and likely the same for a heart attack.
  • Rocking a nice tan and a long beard
  • With rowing, gardening, and other activity, I actually have some muscles

Today I’m a little emotional in a way, but so inspired and confident about the future. I want to share a journey to show how important it is to not give up on oneself. I may sound naive, but I am confident I can keep the regiment I’m on, and the behaviors, to keep my weight down without any extreme effort. I have lost the last forty pounds gradually and with the right combination of activity, diet and medication. I love that people notice.

About 13 years ago I was at my top weight, was on a CPAP for many years by that point, poking my skin EIGHT times a day between testing and administering short and long-term acting insulin with injections, countless oral medications for blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar. I remember feeling resigned and thinking my body had betrayed me with no end in sight. even though I knew I was very loved and had a lot of good friends and support all the time.

My doctor, probably frustrated with my lack of progress, suggested that I think of getting an insulin pump installed on my body. Aghast, I told him I would research it, but I kept on asking him for some magical “pill.” I was so frustrated that the insulin and some of the oral medications made me HUNGRIER and I told him that I would forage more when those medications increased. He agreed. He said the more insulin I take, the hungrier I would become as well. The snowball effect was taking a toll on me.

I have written many times about how the gastric sleeve surgery changed my life. I approached my doctor about that and then met with a series of dietitians, psychologists, surgeons and support groups. While at 5’7 and 265 I was not nearly as big as some of the other patients, but my pancreas was pretty much done with me, my diet and my lack of movement. Every time I tried to hike, I got the TINIEST of scratches and I would end up in the emergency room or end up being hospitalized for several days to be monitored so that the infection wouldn’t spiderweb up my leg to my heart and KILL me.

When people asked how I lost the initial weight, I would instinctively say, “I took the easy way out and had surgery,” but FUCK THAT. It was NOT easy. After signing my life away and countless appointments, I suffered for six months without solid food and had to recovery from a major surgery. I threw up countless times because of the order I ate and drank or took one bite too many while not paying very close attention. I had to explain to people that I loved their food, but I could not physically consume more than a few ounces of solid without becoming violently ill. I also noticed almost immediately that I could not process meat as I had before, and so I went vegetarian (as I had dreamed of doing for years prior) in part so that I could eat the healthy stuff and not push my new digestive system to the limit, as many who have this permanent, irreversible surgery have discovered. I cannot chew gum, use straws or drink carbonated drinks without extreme heartburn, developed anemia for which I now have to take highly soluble iron pills, which reversed my anemia and heartburn with constant belching I had for so long that could have resulted in esophageal cancer. I made a lot of social and time sacrifices to get there, and I underwent all of this to save, simplify and extend my life, while reducing medical expenses and supplies I used.

My diligently going to medical appointments and continuously researching new medications as they became available, securing a wonderful endocrinologist and a dietician who helped me tweak them to the ideal combination made the difference. Recently the dietician told me, “We don’t need any other appointments; you’re doing everything right.” I have the healthy bright future I was always looking forward to and I’m feeling terrific about myself.

Street Fairs

August Summer Nights in Downtown Vallejo

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Shando and I had a great time with good friends Noel, Mark, Steve and Greg in Downtown Vallejo at the August Nights event last night! There were two stages with live music, eventually this DJ, many vendors, lots of food trucks, and great weather. We ate outdoors at Bambinos with wonderful wait staff who were grooving to the music with us.

I loved seeing our neighbors dancing in the street. The handsome DJ took my Chaka Khan recommendation when I pulled her up on my phone and showed it to him since it was so loud. He ended up mixing in two of her classic songs, which I thought matched the mix very well.

I love the downtown architecture as well with the ornamental clock, the buildings that date back a hundred years (which is really old for California), and the Logan’s Run-esque buildings as well. You’ll also see a bunch of huge mosaic planters up and down the street.

This video captures some of the glorious vibes from last night on Georgia Street in downtown Vallejo with a wonderful variety of people dancing with each other. I must say that some of the live music performers were AMAZING too, both the instrumentalists and the vocalists. The crowds were impressive for a Thursday night and the smells from the various food trucks and other vendors were something I wish I could capture.

Memoriam, Pets

Montague Gilligan Hayden, In Memoriam

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May 18, 2008 – August 7, 2023

More commonly known as “Monte,” the Capulet (Cappy) to his Montague is now without her counterpart.

Born in Friant, California (near Fresno), I had this amazingly athletic dog pretty much his entire life, which was more than 15 years, except for the first few weeks. He was extraordinary in many ways.

He went on countless vacations and beaches with me from Seattle to San Diego. He also traveled to Phoenix and many other places inland over the years. For the first three years of his life, he was the only dog I had, and he loved it that way.

I have footage of him pulling blackberries into his mouth with his paw.

He would dive into any body of water to chase a tennis ball, a feat he learned watching my friends’ big dogs in Oakland. Many people asked me what kind of dog he was emerging with a ball in his mouth he had retrieved from the bay, the pool, the lake, the river, etc.

Upon returning from vacation yesterday, Monte did not respond to our entering the home as he normally would have, with elation and energy. Upon re-investigating his difficulty eating and inviting our mobile veterinarian over, we found a huge splenic tumor in our 15-year-old Yorkie.  An emergency 24-hour trip later resulted in a confirmation that there was nothing operable and even if it was benign, it was pressing on his major organs. He had lost 50% of his body mass in just the last few months, despite medications to stimulate his appetite and quite a variety of changes in the food we prepared to appeal to him.

In 2008 I implored my daughter to go to a shelter to find a dog, not even knowing what I now know about the transactional problems with going to a breeder. She was hellbent that she wanted a male Yorkshire Terrier. I was basically bribing her with the dog of her choice to move to California where I’m from after raising her in New York, where she was born. I desperately missed her the year she went to high school in New Jersey near her mom. Before that, I had always had primary custody of my daughter, so I was willing to bend my principles to get her back. She did a lot of research and seemed very sure of what she wanted, probably because she saw some celebrity with a Yorkie.

So Monte started out technically as her dog.  I wasn’t naive, so I knew it was quite likely I’d be taking more responsibility, and that was fine, as she bounced around the country after getting out of high school. I joked all this time that she just wanted him for a Myspace photo op.  A week after she got him, I took over the potty training and everything else, and my daughter assisted for a while.

He was probably in a lot of pain these past few weeks, although he hid it. We’re so glad he survived our being gone that week. One of our amazing dog-sitters said he waited for us.  The tumor could have burst at any point with a blunt hit or fall in hindsight, and that would be disastrously painful.  Ironically, I was invited to my first online pet loss support group today, but I decided it would not be healthy for me to join minutes after he was put to rest, which turned out to be the timing that was convenient for the mobile veterinarian.

Ironically our 18-year-old Pomeranian-Chihuahua mix has really bounced back and we were worried about leaving for vacation with her being ill about a month ago.  Her fur is now once again lustrous, and she’s gained some weight, eating heartily daily and still quite ambulatory.  One never knows with these things.  She herself survived cancer at least six years ago when a huge tumor was removed from her leg. 

Below are the last video and pictures I took of this tough little guy. You cannot tell how skeletal he is because he has fur, but he was indeed emaciated and his eyes were glossed over. He moves slowly and it was hard to keep him hydrated and fed. He could not even go up a single step and mostly had to lay around in his last days. I’m sure it was uncomfortable for such a normally frenetic animal. He had hardly ever even been ill in all of his days. In these he is on my desk while I work so I could be as close to him as possible and keep an eye on him.