It was wonderful seeing my siblings today, but it was for a somber reason. We finally fulfilled the last wish of my mother to have some of her ashes spread near where my father’s ashes were spread. She died just over ten years ago, and within a year or so, with my daughter, I spread ashes in Italy on the beach near the base where she met my father. This was a final chapter, but my siblings and I are each keeping some of her ashes with each of us, too. We decided it would be a trip with just us three and not our partners or even our busy kids (we each have one). We did not film the actual act, but my siblings loved seeing a corner of the California coast they were not familiar with (Bolinas), and it is even closer to the coordinates where my father’s ashes were spread by the Neptune Society.
Category Archives: Memoriam
Somber Ten Year Anniversary
Today is a very somber anniversary of my mother’s passing. Giuseppina Benenati Hayden was only 73 when she died of ovarian cancer. I’m so glad I was there to hold her hand. As per her wishes, we spread some of her ashes near the base where she met my US Coast Guard father in Italy. Next week we will spread some of her ashes near his ashes here in the Pacific, where my grandfather and his wife also had their ashes scattered. I was extremely close with my mother, as most people know, which makes me wonder how she would have reacted to all the good and horrible things that have happened in the last decade. I know she would be very proud that I bought a house, despite one of her sisters in Italy stealing the inheritance of my siblings and me. She would be proud that I’m in the best shape of my adult life (she was not shy about complaining about my health being affected by my weight) and she would be proud that I try to stay in touch with our family in Italy, even though I am overdue for a visit due to Covid, then my fire which required a lot of managing of my home’s renovation, etc.
In Memoriam: Satish “Sam” Chohan
I had the privilege of going to a memorial for my friend and neighbor, Satish “Sam” Chohan. I knew he was a terrific person, but to hear about his life journey and how beloved he was by his family, son-in-law, stepdaughter, etc., was so amazing to hear. What a wonderful influence, and how nice to also have my friend Larry speak at Satish’s funeral, as they have been so involved with the Toastmasters group here in the area. Satish and his amazing wife Surekha approached me at a neighborhood event several years ago. I was thrilled when Satish asked to join the Glen Cove Community Association with me. I was president at the time. He was full of so many enriching ideas; most notably among them were the benches along our main thoroughfare with amazing views of the water. I’m so glad he lived long enough to see that come to fruition. We will honor him with that wonderful idea.
Vicki Gray’s Estate Sale
Vicki Gray’s estate sale was this weekend. Shea helped her family and friends out. They were already gracious enough to give us some furniture before the estate sale. I bought some key pieces I really wanted on Friday, but today I really went nuts with the 50% off prices. Of course, these acquisitions will be used to decorate my house, which is under renovation. Indeed, I bought so much stuff that the estate salespeople thought I was a reseller!
Truth be told, I love Vicki’s taste, and I am more incentivized to buy her stuff after going to her memorial and learning more about her. I only briefly met her once when she participated in the Glen Cove garage sale a few years ago. I bought several gorgeous little things from her at that time, but they were destroyed in my fire.
Here’s a Tibetan prayer wheel. I recognized what it was pretty quickly because I have a huge macrame Tibetan wind spinner in my backyard that I bought years ago and which DID survive the fire. I got a lot of chiding for buying it years ago, but I can’t imagine my backyard without it now.
RIP Marc Harris (1971-2025)
For those who knew my friend Marc Harris (holding their dog on the right in this photo), he was found dead at age 54 yesterday morning by his husband, sadly. We were neighbors in the East Bay that I have known for a good 7-8 years. I spoke to Michael at length today, after texting him to offer an ear. He is, of course, in touch with Marc’s only remaining family, his brother. Michael asks that we respect his privacy at this time. He is handling the situation as well as can be expected. He specifically said that I can tell you that while Marc had some health issues, he was not suffering from an illness, so this was an unexpected death that happened in his sleep.
For Mom’s 83rd Birthday
My mother died when she was only 73. Today would have been her 83rd birthday. I can’t believe ovarian cancer took her so quickly in 2016. FUCK CANCER. Through the magic of artificial intelligence, last night I was playing around with her pictures. I consider myself the family archivist, having digitized all photos from multiple generations long before my house fire, of course. My sister said this is her favorite picture of my parents, taken a few months before my dad died in 1990. He also died young, predeceasing one of his parents, as my mom did.
Well, I almost fell on the floor when I heard my mother audibly LAUGH in the AI-generated video of her on that swing:
Memorial for Vicki Gray
We attended a memorial for neighbor Vicki Gray, who I met once at a garage sale a few years ago. She was an incredible person and was very involved in the community, including the Episcopalian Church, which was led by a reverend from whom I bought my house here in Vallejo over five years ago. I love knowing that they were friends. It’s so wonderful to hear how Vicki was universally accepted when coming out as trans decades ago by her late wife, her biological family, and the entire congregation. Weeks ago, I had to drag Shea to what I was told was the early makings of an “estate sale,” but after we got there, he completely geeked out over her book collection and learning more about Vicki’s life, while I was fascinated with her museum-like collection. It’s not a coincidence that when she was selling stuff at the garage sale that I bought two gorgeous horse statues that I loved, but which I told Vicki’s niece were unfortunately lost in my fire. At the memorial, we got copies of Vicki’s book, which I love the title of – Troublemaker. We heard about her efforts to protect sex workers and marginalized people all over the world, not to mention being an American diplomat in Poland and a Navy veteran who also ran for city council in Vallejo.
Shea wrote: “I learned about her posthumously through her niece, Lauren, and her collection of books. While we were [at Vicki’s home], I noticed she had a book signed by Che Guevara. It turns out Vicki had traveled to Cuba quite often. She had an extensive collection of books from various regions, including Central America and Palestine, as well as books on the EZLN and works by Edward Said. I wish I had had the opportunity to get to know her while she was here. Lauren gave me Vicki’s Palestin[ian] flag, which Vicki had held at many demonstrations. I promised that I would bring it to many more.”
Lauren’s comments were among many poignant moments at the memorial.
RIP Patricia Routledge
What a genius this woman was who just died at age 96. Keeping Up Appearances brought me such joy. I continue to re-watch the episodes regularly.
RIP Jane Goodall
I’ve always admired Jane Goodall. Like her, I have always thought that primates are beautiful and so worthy of learning more about. We should be honored to have common ancestry with them, as we do with ALL mammals, by the way. When I was in Chicago several weeks ago, I walked my butt off in the museum campus along the shore and came upon this nondescript statue outside of one of the many grand buildings. I recognized the subject matter instantly. I didn’t know that she would be gone just a few weeks later, but I’m glad I decided to take pictures of it.
Poignant Dinner with Friends of Tony Perri
Had a lot of laughs and some really cathartic tears with Montie and Norma as we discussed our departed mutual friend, Tony Perri. It was tough having to tell them how and why he died so young, but I’m glad I got to tell them what happened first-hand, and we could share the love we had for him, even though he often drove us all crazy. This was one of the things I was very grateful to be able to do while I was in Chicago this trip.
